My Defence?

He wrote:


... So i'll drop the act. Just for one damn second, I'll drop the act, so you can see the truth, ok?
This blog? I'm meant to sound happy in it. I'm neant to sound successful and cheerful and competent and... HAPPY.
All of that which appears to successfully fool everyone, is a lie. I'm not okay. I'm not, and I don't know what I can do about it. I grieve for my losses, I yearn for days past. I have no vision of a future, and only await death.

Yeah, I'm not actually kidding anyone. This is seriously how I feel. It's not love, and peace, funk and soul. It's none of those things. It's as my msn speaks. Kirai, Korosu, Kyou, the lot. Hate and murder and wickedness. Here's the explanation.
I can't feel who I am/want to be anymore. I wanted to be about love and peace, and I cut people out of my life. As someone who believes in love and peace, cutting people out of my life simply isn't an option. But I did it anyway. I don't know why I did it, and it hurts me so much I find myself unable to function anymore. All I know is that I did it so that the relationship I'm trying to maintain would be less stressed. I did it viewing it to be a selfless act, as it denied me of the things i desired. I can understand how those people I cut off perceived it as being an act of selfishness. But I digress.
In order to subsist in a world where the only way of life that actually made sense was love and peace, I had to convince myself that I was simply the flipside of the spectrum. The hatred and war. I'm not sure how that makes sense anymore, nothing makes sense.
I guess another part of me hoped that... A way to move forward from cutting those people off would be to make that sacrifice worth it. By truly becoming someone who could be about love and peace, to stop with the underhandedness and be a pure beacon of positivity.
... I guess not.
I'm rambling because this is the real me. I'm broken. I'm not suicidal either, I have no tears to cry, I'm just numb and dead. But I wish you all the best, all the time, I really do.
Back to pretending to be a normal person, so as not to burden anyone. So there, read it, it was written purely for your benefit.


I write:


How is that suppose to make me feel or do?