My Fear

had a big with Will last night... it was suppose to be me talking to him cos i really need to vent my feeling's out... i dont want him to find me a solution or anything like that, so i really regret it cos he tried to fix it and it get me more upset...

last night, i said that i dont know whether i still love him or not... but i think... i do... i dont think i will care this much if i dont love him.. the way i love him is to protect him from doing something stupid again in the future... i dont know.. his way of life is to create love and peace... but i cant help but to think... is it according to his way of thinking? is it a universal way of doing it? because, i dont think watching a movie with someone else's gf will create love nor peace... or to hold hands with girls will create love and peace... and i dont know if he purposely ignore people that are close to him and look it into the big picture? because i think he needs to create love and peace to people around him first, especially me, his gf... to create love and peace with me should be something that he should be maintaining... but i doubt that he'll see it that way cos apparently the world needs him...

i think to create love and peace, u start with people around u... not about your feeling, but you behave and think what will make other people more convinient in life? o, she needs someone to talk too... then i'll be there for her and listen to her... or he's lonely, sure i talk to him but not to the point where i go watch a movie with him and then create some tension with my bf or his gf cos that is not creating love and peace at all.... you think about other people position and feeling and i think that is the key to that... not about, o, i want to hold hand with him cos i dont see any problem with it... you know there will be problem with it, especially if you are taken...

and now i know that Will doesnt want anything normal... if he doesnt then he cant just expect me to be normal or less than normal then... if he want something special then let me do what ever he can do, cos if he thinks of it no harm if he's doing it with other girl then shouldnt be any problem with me doing it cos he should understand that.

this is stupid, i dont know... i think that make sense...