I have to say, I lied~
I thought that i was getting better... but since my last post, it went down hill from there. i clicked sign out on my msn file drop down option, i clicked the X button from my facebook page and for a very long time, my only page that i always kept open was my hotmail mail page. I just needed to know what i needed to know. I thought for a while, I dont need to know what's going on with other people. I need to look after my self. I need to recover and fix whatever needed to be fix. I cannot go on like this. destructive. slowly killing my own soul. my own mind. thought that I was going crazy, that death alone might be a very good solution to it.
That was very depressing. Eventho i liked the idea of dying, Im too much of a coward to end my own life. I, have never been a big fan of pain. In another way to look at it, I love my self too much, but not so much about my live. Everytime i tried to figure it out, it always felt like the answer is just right around the corner, but everytime i tried to reach it, I failed. somehow it felt like there was an invisible shield around it that just repelled anything that touch it. But for time to time, this thing flashed a thought or two into my brain. Just like a falling star, it flushed and gone. This thought shined brightly then disappeared. Just like that. And when that happened, I took the tail of that thought and kept repeating it in my head, hoping it would give me the next clue.
I have been collecting all those thoughts and so far trying to put them together, like a jigsaw puzzle. I dont want to say it cos i scared to jinx it. but now, i can log in on my msn again,eventho sometimes i put myself as invisible. but im still not on FB. baby step they say. There are still too many things to think, to figure it out. how to be happy, how to accept my self, how to make this life works. so many things. peer preassure played too much influence in my head. that was one of the reason why i stay hidden and out of contact. i have to me again. find that Anastasya hidden inside me. who is me without the fancy clothes, fb, snarky comment and Will.
And so I've explained.
xoxo,
Aby
1 comment:
That's not cool u crazy kitten, but I hope you are doing what u need to do to get by... that's all you really hafta do at this point and eventually it gets easier. It does. Perseverance always amounts to something even if you can't see it now. Doing it alone isn't always the best way... help and support from the people who love you is always always important.. but only you can make the real difference.
It always gets darker before you see the light. But you keep fighting... even when u think u can't... u really can.
I heard you had or will have a op darl, I hope things get better... I know first hand how it feels to suffer physically, mentally and financially all at the same time - I have after all, just recovered and am currently piecing everything back together. There's nothing much else to say but to hang in there darl - it's cliche, but really, what else is there to do :)
You're a strong girl.
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