My Feelings - Angry

for some reason there are more and more people visiting my blog... not happy with it... i like the fact that this is like my diary... place that i can vent out everything that i can.. but now, it is ruined! i hate it! i hate the fact that i cant write as freely as before cos it will hurt people's feeling while it is suppose to be for me letting my anger out so it doesnt go anywhere and it will keep me sane at least... but no, i cant even do that now.

and as today is valentine's day.. it is far from feeling lovey dovey and stuff... o yes, Will and i have a fight... some people can guess can it might be correct... i would like to point a finger to someone, but then i dont know if that going to do anything... blaming others isnt going to help anyone... but i am angry... very angry... the feeling just come rushing back to me and i need to vent it out. im angry because people know that it is hard already for me to keep the long relationship going especially when will just put little effort into it... less contact, less communication and less effort indeed... and ofcourse its hard for me to accept all that and still maintaining it and trying to make it work... and for someone to just purposely doing mean thing just to get my reaction out of it isnt funny at all! like i said, the relationship is already broken as it is, and if other people trying to destroy those little broken pieces apart while here i am trying to glue them together, obviously, wont help anything... and i am angry at will because he just too self absorb in his own life and ok fair enough, everyone has problem just like he said, he's not in a good place right now, im not in a good place either and so is this other person... as much as i hate the way she was flirting with my bf, i still want her to be better and that is something true comes from the heart... it is not fake, it is called being complex. and if she's not in a good place right now then why would she put that much effort trying to destroy other people's relationship... cos she's not just poking me, she's poking the relationship! and if i found out that will knows about her intention and still let her did it there will be hell to pay... he's the one that told me not to do anything to his friend, and i tried that, but this is what i get, crap! if the person that involve is reading this, like i said, the feeling is just coming back to me, and as much as i want to blame you for everything, not everything is your fault. next time if you want to kill me, just kill me. if you are claimed to be a decent person and prove it... i called you names cos the way that you behave indicates that way in the past... calling other people's bf with a petname is still called flirting in a mild way... if you want to be friend then be a decent friend! be a respectful human being. and by this, my belief in romance has died, congratulation, you've done it. all i am trying to do is to maintain a broken relationship and if you think that it was fun to just pissed me off and poking the relationship, what the fuck am i doing then? here i am trying to be civillised and respecting other people's relationship and this is what i get, girls trying to sabotage my relationship for the sake of "teaching me a lesson" or even worse "fun". this is stupid... why am i suppose to be nice to other girls relationship while some of them are purposely trying to ruin mine... probably this is what is suppose to be in this modern society lifestyle... that sisterhood is dead... everything is about what u feel like and therefore it is ok to interfere with other people's relationship... great.. this is fucking great!

this is how i feel now. eventho i know that it suppose to be in the past now, there's still some feeling left. and i know if i said it later, it will sound differently... i know u already apologised for being childish and all that... so im sorry if i hurt your feeling if you are reading this but you've hurt me so much by doing this.

while im apologising, i also would like to say sorry if i hurt other people' feeling with the poor choice of words in the past... 2 years.... like i said, the purpose of this blog is to keep me sane... so if im sad, ill be running to this place, if im happy or angry, ill be here, keeping my mind straigh and sane... otherwise i will go back to punching wall and other abnormal reaction especially when im angry...at least in here, i can go back and track the progress that i have made... if i called people by not so lady like names, it was just me being angry and that is what came to my head, transfer to the screen of the computer. i know it still not right and there's no right excuses for that apart from it was the spur of the moment, so i am deeply sorry.

the risk from writting this, obviously loosing a friend or two, of even loosing a bf... yea, this is what i get from trying so hard... love is crap indeed.

xoxo,
Aby