My Problem - Again

I really think that im getting depress from day to day.... this is bad.... dont want to be like this.... and so many questions pops out inside my head... why am i clinging into the past so much... why cant i just move on and enjoying this moment on.... all i want is being happy and have a healthy relationship where my bf loves me so much and will do anything for me.... why am i trying so hard.... why cant i be number one in everything especially in his life.... even if i make a delisious cookies, i still cant top Jae's... and in his top list, Jae's cookies will always be number one.... or even in his music for example... seeing him talking to Dan yesterday on msn and mentioned something like Michi is my number one fan on my music is really upsetting.... how am i suppose to compete with that.... feels like i want to just give up on everything.... or even something like going to south bank.... all i can think of is well, Will and Michi had bit of history in this place.... and i really hate that... i really hate the fact that he's sharing something special like that to other girls... making me want to just give up on everything cos feels like he's not mine anymore... i guess this is abit of possesive syndrome happening... but if he wants to have me and wanting to share me with other people then he should understand how i feel then.... and to feel that i havent done enough in this relationship... i dont know.... i mean.... he wants me not to wear revealing clothes... ok, i wont eventho i do like to wear whatever i feel like because i just like to be free... i really want my freedom so much it hurts.... my parents restricted me when i was little.... in clothing, schools, chores, weekends and even friendships.... and now, im fighting for my own freedom then have to be restricted again by him.... it has lot of impact on my self confidence ofcourse... i mean, probably that is why im so into my past... because my junior high school moment i have to say was my glorious moment ever in my life.... at least i think im happy, i achieved something at school, im one of the smartest people at school... people knows me, upper class seniors boys knew me... and yes, i was pretty popular with the boys.... even Kelvin thinks that i was the perfect girl that he ever known.... but now... what do i have now? i have nothing achieved in my life... it took me 5 years to finish uni that is suppose to take only 3 years... i was failing at high school.... realising that i dont have many friends... and now i dont even feel like im pretty or attractive anymore.... and my bf is flirting with girls and doesnt even know the line of what is flirting and what is not... i dont know... i really dont know... i want to change into a better person.. but i dont even know how to start... i dont even know what to do... feel like im stuck... really painful.... and to deal with Will's stuff aswell.... he doesnt like the fact that he cant be friend with Michi or Jacki anymore... but the way i see it, they hurted me and hurted our relationship... why cant he sees that... feels like not talking to michi is more hurtful to him than realising that he had been hurting me in the past years.... and i know that it is not michi's fault so i cant really blame her... and at the same time, feels like i cant blame will either cos then im a hypocrite for still going out with him... feel like i need to blame someone but i cant... feels like i need to take it out on someone but i cant.... i hate will so much, i do cos he hurted me so much....but at the same time, i still love him... and yes, love and hate are divide by this very fine lines.... i really wish i know what to do... i really wish i know..... i really hate to always wishing that i could just run away and die.... but that is not the answer... that is not a good thing to do.... i really wish i know what to do.... why am i so twisted....